Hello 2021.
It is been a while. It still feels like yesterday I
thanked God for giving me one more chance to pass 2020. Since 2020
was a survival year for me. I was being away from home, alone, amidst of COVID-19
pandemic situation. And now I have to say goodbye with 2021 in no time.
For me, 2021 is like drinking hot cappuccino with
double shot espresso. It smells nice; roasted and nutty. When you hold the cup,
it feels warm. And when you take a sip, it tastes sweet and creamy at the
beginning; then going bold and strong in the middle; and finally here comes the
bitterness in the end. And for some people who love coffee, they also can
detect a hint of fruity note or sour note in the aftertaste from the selected
coffee bean.
That's how I recap my 2021.
And I will never forget the taste journey.
I started this year in Malang. I stayed in Malang for almost 2 weeks since end year of 2019. It was rainy season but I felt warm because finally I could be with my family after many difficulties to go home in this pandemic situation.
We went to a beach for holiday even though we saw
news about people drowned at the beach a day before. We also brought our lovely
cat, Bocil to that beach. We were lucky because on that day the beach was not
busy so we can have like a private island for ourselves! We had a picnic with a
beach view and Bocil played around.
After 2 weeks day off, my heart was full with those "sweet
and creamy taste". My brain was fresh and ready for work in Bogor!
When I came back to Bogor, I realized that I
already work as a Foodtech for 2 years. And after 2 years of working,
surprisingly I felt that I love my job more. FYI, I was working as a Foodtech
who formulates food and beverage product before it launched to the market;
which always difficult to be explained when I was in the family gathering, and
Bunda always said that I work as Quality Control to end the conversation and
make the other relatives understand LOL.
I used to complain about every single rock in front of me. Since it was my first time professional working experience, I already cried 3 times in the office (which I exactly remember, I forgot the rest). I was very weak before, but in 2021, I think I am getting stronger and wiser LOL.
Somehow I can easily handle my emotion like magic! And I became more logic that everything happened in my life must have a reason. Because we are only human, guys. We sometimes get angry or we make people angry. Because life is about choices. We also can choose to not angry and move on for good. #saveenergy #saveplanet
Since I had that thought in my mind, I become enjoy
with my job. In 2021 for the first time, I got a new beverage project, which
should be developed from scratch. The product was new category. Therefore, I
need deep research. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed but I became stronger than
before. I love the process from interviewing the target consumer, brainstorming
to create concept, formulating the product, sensory evaluation; through many
trials, difficulties but still happyy.
The year of 2021 also makes me grateful because I am not that lonely while working far away. I still had great colleagues/friends around. Especially during Ramadhan, in the middle of trials in laboratory and factory, we still had a time to escape for a while. We went to Bandung and had enjoy Bandung culinary for a few days. I also had more time to catch up with my friends again from high school and university since the covid cases decreased.
After Eid Al-Fitr, I went to the beach again with my family! I finally can had proper "mudik" compared to last year. The reason why I love beach holiday because that was the only place where my entire family member can gather. Seeing ocean and waves was calming and suitable holiday for the elders. Meanwhile the youngsters still have enough space to play around the beach.
However, at that time my annual leave was not as calm as that beach view. Because I had two big presentation coming all of sudden. My friend and I were selected to join a competition as representative of our department. We had very limited time to prepare the material, revision, and presentation training. Meanwhile, I also accidentally chosen to present my project for idea screening in regional as well. Everything was so quick but finally with God blessings and supportive teammates and supervisors we made it *tears of happiness*.
After that, here was the journey of bitterness.
Remembering all the sweets alaways makes me flustered. Because life can be so funny like two kids playing sesaw. When you already go up, there's no other way to go but go down.
It was the month when I had 4-5 times of swab antigen test. We had Covid Delta variant in Indonesia and sadly, some of my colleagues were infected at the same time. It was so scary for me but thankfully, my test result was negative. Everyone had difficult time, including my family who were feeling unwell but refused to take swab test. They were afraid that their immune will drop if they knew the result. I was so worry about them since I was far from then and can't take care of them. But at least they wanted to have self-isolation and take medicine. And their condition were getting better.
It was like serial of sadness.
I was going to go out with my friend when
Bunda called me that Ayah was admitted to the ICU. I was shocked, Bunda only cried
and asked me to pray. Bunda said that Ayah was suddenly unconscious during
check up with doctor. I still can believe that it was real. Because Ayah never
told us that he had pain or sick.
Then I called my brother who looked after Ayah at that time. Due to pandemic, the hospital only allow 1 guest for 1 patient. Thankfully, Ayah was tested negative from covid, therefore he can be accompanied by my brother. My brother voice was very sad and tired at that time. Then I promised him to take turns to look after ayah tomorrow.
I was very impulsive to order plane ticket for
tomorrow since I seemed had bad feeling. But I still hope Ayah to be awake so
he can get optimum treatment. I wanted to take care of him because I think he
already keep the pain by himself for a long time.
And the next day I finally met him at the ICU.
I was very sad when I saw Ayah was equipped by many
machines to check his heart rate, oxygen saturation, many things. I only prayed
for him at that time, next to him, hoping for his condition to get better.
After around 30 minutes, I went out from his room
and talked with my brother. My brother was waiting outside because only one
guest for one patient in ICU.
However, suddenly the doctor called us and let us
to go inside together because Ayah's condition was decreasing. At that time, I
didn't know that letting all family member in was a sign from the doctor to
prepare for the worst scenario to let him go. I still pray in front of Ayah
when there were 4 doctors who take turns to do CPR to get back his heart rate
for an hour. My brother was next to Ayah's ear, praying. His voice was shaking.
The other doctor inject some medicine; try his best to make Ayah's condition
stable. Everything was similar like Korean drama scene. Even the part when the
doctor make sure his pupil eye for the last time.
My brain was difficult to process when the doctor
confirm the time of death of Ayah and my brother cried. My brother must be
shocked since he was the one who took Ayah to the doctor for check up. He saw
Ayah still can walk to the car by himself until suddenly the condition dropped
and we need to let him go. I was about to cry but my brain still couldn't
accept it.
"That was too fast. I was there in his room. I
still didn't have time to take care of him. Why he just left me right after I
met him?"
And suddenly I was like found the answer,
"Because I was waiting for you before I leave."
Then I cried.
Later I knew from my brother that during 2 days in ICU, Ayah's heart rate was dropped for three times. So he was really waiting for me :(
I called Bunda and she cried.
For the first time I signed for hospital
administration while my brother bathing Ayah for the last time. After
that, we (me, my brother, and Ayah) went home with ambulance car. The ambulance
sirens sounds like crying girl for me.
I stopped crying since there were many people at my
home to express condolences. We focus on prayer and the funeral. After funeral,
people kept coming and asking the reason why. And we had to repeat the stories
for hours. It was tiring to tell that heartbroken story over and over again.
Then I locked myself in my room to cry. Only to
cry.
I stayed at Malang for a week since that day. Everything was getting better but it was like I always having
teary eyes. It was the accumulation feelings of sadness, longing, guilt, and
a bunch of "what if" questions in my head. I can cry suddely without any reason when I was alone. However, I had to hold the tears
when there were many people.
People said time will heal...
Then after several discussion with myself and
family; and facing current situation, I decided to heal myself by coming back
to Malang. I want to take care of Bunda. And I will let go my career. I
realized that maybe this year I was too focus on my job. Especially when I was
far away from my parents, I couldn't take care of them. And this is the time
to take care of my only parent who still exists in this temporary world.
Last year, I was ignore Ayah's suggestion to go
back to Malang because he worried about me alone at Bogor during pandemic
situation. Finally, I go back to Malang although it is already late.
 |
| I am home :) |
Moreover, November became my last month of work. I entered this company on November and left on November 3 years later. Thankfully, I can create memorable moments with my colleagues/friends in my last days. And I felt relief after finally I can go back to Malang and be with my family.
 |
| See you :) |
December is already coming. After all bitterness in
the end of the year, finally I somehow detect the "fruity note" after
taste. I feel become more relax, enjoying slow phase life with my family. I
want to thank God because I finally can pass until the end of this year. I hope
the entire journey can be lesson learned for me to be better in the next day.
Now I begin to focus on taking care on what I
have, not focus on achieving what I don't have. Because I know we are only
human who live in this world full of choices.
-- Emma --
